Sunday, December 25, 2011

I don't do holiday cheer

I miss my dad. My mom too, of course, but mostly my dad. I'm just so different from the rest of my family in some respects. As a kid, I traveled for Christmas most years or for a few, I just prayed that my dad would get better/stay well. I miss advent calendars and everyone in the house knowing what Percy the Puny Poinsettia is. I miss gingerbread house parties and candy canes. I don't miss presents. I'm older and I don't care about that. I'm actually happy that my family got a ps3 for Christmas because we can play it together. I like family time. As much as I love them, I miss my dad asking me what I want for Christmas. I miss how he guessed EXACTLY what I wanted when I never said a word. I miss the things he introduced me to like King Island Christmas and penguin-themed plate. I miss watching him photograph it all. I love my family, but I miss my old one too.
Some nights I pray that the Bible is true just so that I can see my mom and dad again. If I don't make it to heaven, it's okay as long as I get to talk to them again.
Merry Christmas. I hope you're in a better mood than I am.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A list of songs

I was working on my final cladogram and studying for finals, but I decided to take a break to make a list of songs I've listened to recently and feel like sharing.
"In Colour" by Heyhihello
"Anumati" by E.S. Posthumus
"Tracks in the Snow" by The Civil Wars
"Can't Hold On" by Melee
"You & I" by IU
"Forever Yours" by Alex Day
"White is in the Winter Night" by Enya
Well, that was fun. Until the next post, take care.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Or maybe I just need to cut down on the kpop. . . Nah.

*yawns* Hi, blog. Everything changes all the time, so I could pour out all the weird things that have happened each day, but those things aren't as important as the little thoughts in the back of my head. I'm hoping that a good night's rest will put them all in their place, but I have a feeling that I'll have to do that myself another day. Not Thanksgiving.
To get the relationship part out of the way, I'm tired of worrying about peoples' feelings about me. I need to be single right now, mainly so that I can focus on school. Smartypants me currently has a C in calculus and a B in chemistry. Um. No. That's not going to work for me. I have to get those grades up.
Now, the little things that keep distracting me can be summed up in obligations. I just need to be free from my anxieties over how things should be or how I need to be around someone. I am seriously going crazy. I'll be okay soon, I think. I have awesome friends. Still, my need to plan things and make sure I'm moving forward are causing a lot of little worries like are my f's too much like thetas? Or am I making the right friends? (This thought is silly because I'll know once the semester is over, not now. Good friends stay in my life over break, acquaintances part ways with a smile and a "good luck!")
There are more, but I need to sleep. Now.
Good night and condolences if I return tomorrow.
Take care.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Got through a date with just a kiss on the cheek. Success.

I don't remember what I was going to complain about last night. Probably the lack of Internet until that moment or regret about something. I do remember that my dream was that I forgot to put my laundry in on Sunday, so I was suffering through a terrible Monday. My eye twitched like crazy today, reminding me that I needed to stop being stressed about something. I think that something is laundry.
Okay, my twitchy nerves are likely due to having had a nice date yesterday. I normally end up in a relationship on a date or I was already in one. This time, I'm out to figure out who might be worth trying to catch later when I've gotten over my horrible dating pattern.
"What dating pattern?" you don't ask. Well, I get into a relationship after knowing the guy for a month, wonder if I'll fall in love with him, freak out when he kisses me and tells me he loves me on the first date which is usually toward the end of a semester, gets an "I love you too" out of me shortly, and I end it all by breaking up with them at the beginning of the next semester.
Yeah, that pattern has got to go. I got into it when I was a freshman. I so badly wish I had done what I did with my first real boyfriend. Sometimes I miss that guy and go into the guilt region of my brain for far too long. I snap out of it when I realize I can't go back and fix my mistake or work up the guts after all this time to say, "I'm sorry." Sometimes I'm such a cowardly idiot.
Anyway, I went on a date on Friday. Not sure if I'll go on a second date. He invited me to a party on the 5th of November. I have a feeling I have to do something else on that day. It's bothering me that I can't quite place it. I wish I knew so that I could use it as an excuse if I decide not to go. I'm not a party person, so I doubt I will.
He's a nice guy, but I don't think I can be more than friends with him because we want different things in life. I'm trying to keep that in mind to ward off the pattern. I wouldn't have in the first place if I weren't such a pushover. Solution: be less of a pushover and don't settle. I have no reason to settle. I'm young and looking forward to several more years of education. Yeah, I want some kids with that. *holds a sarcasm sign*
Other than that ghastly pattern I got into, I have a few other things to work on before I consider getting into a relationship. That's for another blog post.
Until then, take care.

Friday, September 30, 2011

A Future Date

I'm at the stage where I'm thinking of what kind of guy I'd like to date next. I don't want to think about my future boyfriend because I have stuff to do. Maybe. Depends on how genuinely awesome the next guy is. Anyway, I am thinking of the next date I want to go on instead. It just seems healthier and it doesn't lead to thoughts about the future. Just a single date. A few hours. That's it.
I would like to date a nerdy guy who wears glasses and/or looks like Charlie (charlieissocoollike). What he looks like isn't necessarily important. Mostly the nerdiness or at least a geeky love of something. He should be tall though. Definitely into nerd culture as much or more than I am. It'd be cool if he were like Steve (fizzylimon), but I'm not sure I'd have too much to say about music, so I'm leaning toward a fellow neuroscientist wannabe or a tech guy.
I would pull out one of my cute dresses and I'd wear my contacts because guys seem to like that. No makeup. Okay, maybe a little. It's just one date, after all.
We'd go to The Civil Wars concert in San Francisco which is on a Thursday in November, or something closer to home like a play. Something I wouldn't do with my cousins. We'd chat up a storm on the way (San Fran is about 2 hours from my house). The conversation would have its pauses, possibly made comfortable with music that we both love. Orchestral? That'd be different. Not that many people share my love for instrumental and orchestral music.
We'd have dinner and enjoy the awesome concert/play/whatever, and then drive home slowly despite it being somewhat late at night. Maybe we'd stop and look at the stars for a while unless it's raining. Maybe we'd hold hands. Those things should be spontaneous.
I'd go to calculus the next day smiling. Maybe I'd see him around. I don't know. I'd hope we'd still be friends even though neither of us can handle a relationship right now. Maybe we'd make mental notes to consider going steady later.
In sum, I just want to go on a date and not end up dating the guy immediately. I want the date to be a pause in my life. A memory separate from its time, a bit like reading a really good book.
I doubt I'll be asked out or crushed on at all for a while. It's just a gut feeling. I'd probably be a nervous wreck about it anyway. I'm always worried about assignments and exams.
Well, I'm going to listen to "To Whom It May Concern" by The Civil Wars. I'll play some sudoku, too. And listen to a few podcasts.
Take care!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Good Mornings

This summer I took up jogging. I have kept up with it in spite of having to get up at 5:55 AM some mornings. It is worth it to me for several reasons. Notably, I'm less stressed, I feel better about myself, and it's lowering my risk of getting all of the health problems my relatives have. My favorite thing about my new hobby--if you want to call it that--is the peace of the early morning.
Every morning is cool and peaceful. A few cars speed by on the main country road above the street I jog up and down, but they are minor disturbances. Overall, the early morning is one of the most wonderful consistent experiences for me because of the sky.
Up there it is just dark enough for plenty of stars to be visible, though the sun is getting closer and closer to the top of the hill. Any clouds are a golden red (pink?) as more and more sunlight peeks out, and the whole sky dims with the fresh light.
As I jog to a podcast or some music, the whole world becomes differently softer. Rather than being darkish, starry, and lacking in non-tree sounds, the world becomes brightened, fresh, and full of the sounds of beginnings of days.
I'd be lying if I said I love every minute of it because I'm not completely fond of jogging. However, I am finding myself appreciating more of life in general. The early morning is more special to me than it ever has. There were some close camping moments, but it wasn't anything like jogging with the morning stars. Ah, what peace.
Good night and stay well. :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A post that was almost about how much I love Imogen Heap. Obviously changed my mind.

I broke up with my boyfriend last Saturday night. All I can say is I'm better. I'm better having been through that relationship. He didn't make me feel better. Rather, he made me feel worse. I'm better because I have a better feel for my options and where certain paths might take me. I feel better because I know where I don't want to be.
I felt mean at first because I broke up with him the day before his birthday when I knew he was having a terrible weekend. I don't feel mean anymore. I was a little sad because he made me feel like crap while he was saying that he doesn't blame me for anything. I was a bit sad because he doesn't get it. I wish him happiness, but I don't think he got as much out of that relationship as I did.
I have worth. I'm not rich. I'm not a genius. I'm not the most anything. I can be neurotic. Sometimes I'm smart. I have the best family, friends, and acquaintances. Their combined influences on me mean more than my words can express. My worth is that I am a combination of my influences. More than my family and friends, I have books, and a deep attachment to music, and I experience things in a certain way. I want to learn more. I want to share more. I want to care and understand and be part of an ever better future.
My existence is not completely mine. It is made of others and formed with others. As long as I guide that existence where it will be the most useful, I think it will be good.
As ever, I have learning to do. I'm going to get to doing that while listening to music or whatever.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Does knowing why make it right?

I don't know how well I understand people or even myself. I think that I know people in a way that I cannot tell them. I feel like if I just look at how they enjoy life I'll see them. Sometimes I think it's true. I only really bother looking when they're interesting people. Not the friendly type. Not the nice type. A person who needs someone different in their life.
I often wonder if it's my place to point where they'll find who they should be. I know that I'm not, but I try. I know I'm not the best person, but I try to be my best. Why not pass on that desire to someone else? Oh, right. Because it's still not my place nudge them in a direction that I think they should go.
Back to where I was going, I wonder if knowing why a person is who they are is a sufficient reason to stand by their side. I feel like I know, but I don't want to explain them away. I just want to accept them and be there. To be blunt, I want to change them.
Whether or not my thoughts are right does not matter. I have yet to change anyone intentionally because I cannot tell if they always want to, so I just let them go. I want to stand by every person's side and help them, but I cannot tell if they need help. I think I just see what is rather than what ought to be. And then I sit and wait to see which direction life is going to go. I never know. Sometimes I think I know, but I do not. I cannot.
It may or may not be clear that I have a specific person in mind. This person means a lot to me and I feel like no matter what they or anyone else says, I need to be there for them. They have no idea why. I have taken a couple insults and a couple compliments. I cannot be sure what to do with those. The insults hit my heart and the compliments were nice. I want them to see that they hurt and are a delight to others in ways that they are not aware of. They need to see in order to become better, but I have no idea what to do. I've been thinking about this for a while. I had a draft here from a few weeks ago and it has been bothering me all week.
Sometimes I feel too aware and too afraid to act upon that awareness. It's one of the reasons that I think meditation is a good idea for me. I should probably actually do it rather than thinking that it's right for me. Maybe. Or prayer. That might have the right effect. Time and action will tell.
Anyway, until the next post, and as always, take care.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I've been ranty and complainy lately. Eugh.

A few months until I'm no longer a teenager. Right now is one of those times when I feel like it will be quite a while before I purge my mind of those teenage tendencies. I can complain and monologue to loved ones for longer than any attention span.
Not good. Bad. Very rude.
If I'm honest with myself, I know why I've wanted to scream everything to everyone all week: I'm excited and scared and angry and tired. Excited because I like college and I like that I'm making steps toward my future. Scared because college classes are a bit scary and there are steps that I still need to take in order to be successful in every facet of life. Angry because I can't be perfect. I can't control things that I want to. I can't speak when I need to and I won't stop talking when it's only hurting what people think of me (or rather my perception of their perceptions or something. . .). I'm tired because I think of all the silly little things at night and I want to sleep, but I have to do things.
It's only the first week of classes. I have to sort my life out if I am to pull off A's again.
So that's my life this week: I'm being all "woe is me". I'm trying to grow up. Many apologies. I'll attempt to sleep now. Good night and take care.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Thoughts from my summer written on note cards

"my problem w/ pursuing happiness is not that it is positive. rather, that it is not dynamic. satisfaction and contentedness take life's change. pursuing happiness is working toward an ideal. it cannot be maintained. it needs sadness and other negative emotions. being content only requires accepting the good and bad. seems more realistic to me."
~No date, but I know I wrote it during philosophy class this summer.
"Throughout our lives we search for what we cannot have. Those who are born empty seek to be emptied. Then, there are those of us who are born with various fractions. It is up to us to find out whether we are to be emptied or filled."
~Sometime this summer. Maybe on a bench? I think I wrote it while sitting at a bench. Then again, I spent a lot of time sitting at benches under trees this summer.
These posts were typed while listening to Bond.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Thoughts on recording my life

If I were to keep a diary, I would write poetry, copy quotations, and record my mistakes. I doubt that I'd be proud of it if someone found it.
I feel like if I were to carry a diary around, it would be useful. I could keep a fairly accurate record of my life as long as I do it at that time and not at the end of the day when I'm more likely to skip the embarrassing details. Emotions are more fleeting than I can recall, I do believe.
If I were to keep a diary, I might develop a better writing voice because I would be writing more often and maybe organizing those pages into posts.
Come to think of it, I am not so sure that I need a diary. I feel like I leave traces everywhere for my future self to find. I can already see bits of myself a few years ago from old accounts and assignments. I also write on note cards all the time and write on loose pages so that I can hide them among assignments while I'm at college.
Back to my traces, I currently use 3 e-mail addresses. On some regular basis I use my accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google+, Skype, Yahoo Messenger, Gaiaonline, Maplestory, Mabinogi, deviantART, Blogger, Youtube, Hulu, Ravelry, Netflix, Textfugu, and online shopping sites like ebay and Amazon. I also use my iTouch to use apps and listen to podcasts. Oh, yeah. iTunes account. I use iGoogle for feeds. I have a Flickr if that means anything. That is not even everything.
I feel like my traces are everywhere. I am kind of okay with that. My notebooks are somewhat scary to go through. Reliving some old emotions is unpleasant. Very humbling though. In some ways, I am exactly the same as I was 8 years ago. In others, I have improved (and declined).
This is all to say that I will continue leaving myself everywhere because I am a person now. I use the Internet and I move outside of it. There is no avoiding it because I want to remember myself. Part of me doesn't, but I like using all of these services and absorbing this content and sharing it, so I have to continue to remember who I've been. Who I've been is essentially who I am. Right?
Until the next post in which I talk about myself too much, take care. :)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

This is a simple post

Today I ingested (in order)
  • 1.5 glasses of water
  • a glazed doughnut
  • a glass of apple juice
  • a handful of carrots
  • 2 glasses of water with a Doxycycline pill (for my skin)
  • a small plate of chow mein
  • 1.5 larger glasses of water
  • 2 bites of an oatmeal raisin cookie
  • half of a mysterious-looking chocolate peanut butter cookie
  • 2 glasses of water with a Doxycycline pill
  • a chocolate chip cookie
I think I need to treat my body just a little bit better.
The purpose of this post is really to just get me blogging. I keep writing posts and keeping them as drafts because they are terribly embarrassing.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Language Plans and Life Plans Dumped on the End

I've taken one post down and simply not posted a few others. I'll post this one definitely.
One of my life goals is to learn as many languages as I can. The list of languages includes (in no particular order and is not limited to) Japanese, French, Spanish, German, Latin, Greek, Hebrew, Chinese, Korean, Portuguese, and Loxian. I've taken 3 years of Spanish classes, 1 year of French with Rosetta Stone, and a bit of self-study with Japanese. For Japanese I use Textfugu now. I was putting my focus on that. Here's what's up now:
1. I'm going to continue learning Latin and Greek words with some Anki flashcards because I want to be a neurologist. I need a medical vocabulary to be instilled in me, but I don't know what I need, so I'm going to get exposure to words that I wouldn't for quite a while.
2. For all: listening to podcasts so that I get exposure. Understanding isn't important. I just need to get a better feel. I need patterns for speaking. I'm not a natural communicator. At least I don't think I'm very good at it, so I need to listen. I need to start working on my voice in each language as I'm attempting to learn it.
3. I'm going to return to Japanese while dabbling in French and German. Sounds crazy, but I need to connect things. Maybe I'll learn something in French that helps me with Japanese or I'll find out that I need to learn something in Japanese that I wouldn't have thought to pursue. The more I've read, the more I've come to realize that connecting concepts is important. Redescribing one thing in terms of something else is also helpful. Connection to connection to connection.
4. No matter how bogged down by studies I get, I will continue in some small way. I can't get lost in being "busy" or "taking a break". I have no excuse to not put just a few minutes a day. Stopping is not helpful. I will never be who I want to be without putting just a bit of time and effort into that person. I want to be smart, so I need to do smart things. I want to be a polyglot, so I need to do what a polyglot does.
I get into these moods sometimes. I just want to plan and list and hope and work for my goals. I make slow progress, but it's progress. I say it all the time, I know. I just know who I want to be and I want to be her so badly that I won't stop. I may sound silly when I make lofty plans, but I'm happy when I work at them. I love the feeling that I'm becoming someone. I know I'm already special. Blah blah blah. I want to be special to myself and do something to earn the compliments I've gotten. I know some of them have just been hopes. Sometimes I don't think some people mean to say that I am really smart or beautiful. They mean that they hope I'll use my potential and build upon myself. Maybe they don't mean anything. I don't care. It's nice to hear nice things. I'm going to continue working on my dreams no matter what.
I've become terrible at posting every week here. I do post on Tumblr nearly every day (I mean not just reblogging). If you ever wonder why I don't post, you know what I'm doing instead: building dreams that I can live in and live for and work on until I die. Okay. A lot of the time I'm just watching some show or listening to a podcast. It does all add up though. Anyway, I'm becoming who I want to be.
One last thing: I feel silly and conceited for saying this, but I feel like I am who I want to be just by trying. I feel important because I want to be. I feel special because I imagine myself being special someday.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Bigger than my greatest conception

I took a philosophy of religion class and started reading The Tao of Physics this summer. I've come away from those two experiences with a better idea of what this feeling around me is. It's life. There's this force to life. It's God for those who believe and it's just how life goes and it's a concept. I think it's mostly intangible. I can't touch the feeling that there is so much beyond my understanding. I cannot comprehend all that goes on in even a fraction of a second in my town. That's too many interconnected life. There are backstory and a direction to each action. The reason. It doesn't matter whether or not it's conscious. A reason is as simple as just going with life as it seems to be going. Going is a reason. There is a reason to everything. Does that matter? I find reasons more interesting to study, but I'm not sure that they're terribly important. Sometimes it doesn't matter why something is done. Rather, that it is done.
I disagree with many Christians when it comes to Eastern thought. I like meditation. I think it's nice to just be present and appreciate life for what it is right now. Is that so different from thanking God for a moment? The only difference is between just being and thanking for the ability to be. At least that's how it seems to me. There's a spectrum to just about everything, of course.
Now that that bit of my mind is out, I'm going back to knitting while watching "Art and Copy".
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

A load off my heart

I'm surrounded by books, yarn, bags, loose paper, and pens: stuff. On my laptop, I have a copious amount of downloaded content. Starting last night I've been clearing a bunch of it out. Deleted, not put onto my external hard drive.
You have to understand that I had 4015 unplayed episodes of podcasts, and 3600+ songs. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. I could easily explain how I acquired all of it, but I really can't call it all mine. Not the podcasts anyway. I love music, so I had listened to all of those songs at least once. My dad passed on a lot of classical music to me and I found out that there are these people on newgrounds that make amazing music. I got rid of the stuff I never listen to and I feel better. It was part of me once, but I'll go find it when I feel the need to. Not having it in sight is enough. (Note: Do not let me go to the garage)
As for the podcasts, I still can't consider some of them really mine. I downloaded them, but that's it. I had no attachment to them. How can one listen to 4000 episodes of anything when about 20 new episodes are being added every week? I know I can't yet, so I got rid of the language-learning podcasts that I knew I couldn't get through soon. Really, I only needed to delete 2 podcasts, a French one and Latin one, to get down to about 1240 episodes. Much better. I'm still going through everything, but it feels better to be down 16 gb of "junk" at least.
It's the same with books. I don't feel like I own a book until I've really absorbed it properly. It's dead until I've made it part of my life. Stuff belongs to its maker, but the makers don't make memories. Their letting go allows memories to be made.
This all is just to say that I've been cleaning. I frequently clean, but I also frequently allow things to get a bit messy. I feel better now that I've let go of some stuff.
Now I'm off to actually enjoy the rest of a lecture. I love
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Thoughtful Post Time

I have a tendency to blog after midnight or in the middle of the day when my mind is wandering and loses its sense of shame. I.e. when I'm sleepy. Not today! It's the middlish of the day, but I am not sleepy. I had less than 4 hours of sleep, drank a cafe mocha, turned in a paper, stayed awake during class, and now I've made a fairly detailed study plan. I will crash soon because I've been too productive for the past 14 hours. Until that happens, I'd like to talk about advice I've been given.
First, list:
1. No matter the cost, go to the best school possible.
2. Study what you love and study it with all your might.
3. Relax.
4. Be confident. If you're not, think about who you want to be and own that person.
5. Never ever ever ever ever ever let your significant other tell you how to look. Their opinion is not law. If you feel better when you cut your hair a certain way and it's that important to you, don't compromise. Happiness is better than obedience sometimes.
6. Seize every opportunity while you're young. Want to dye your hair? Do it! Want to travel? Do it!
7. Put your education as high on your list of priorities as you can.
8. Don't be afraid to make friends for the sake of being connected to someone who might help you later. Just remember to thank them.
9. Respect your body.
10. You're never too old to learn something that changes your life. Accept change and mistakes. I.e. always learn.
11. If you don't want to fill your mind with something, don't. It's sometimes okay to be a bit ignorant.
12. Plan and use that plan when you can. 
13. You can do it because others have. You' aren't special in thinking that you can't do what you want and need to do.
14. Keep baking supplies around at all times so that you can completely enjoy bra-less moments. (This one is mostly a joke).
There's more, but that's all I can recall from the past week.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. 8)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Some instrumental songs incite more than feelings in me; I hear words and thoughts and stories. "Beloved" by David Lanz spoke clearly to me. I don't think he is playing the instrumental version of a song with words, so I thought to attempt to write my own lyrics. I failed to capture with words what I felt so strongly. I knew I wanted to express the story of a father telling his daughter that he's always there for her, but I entertained the thought of a couple and got lost in all of the possibilities. After giving it up for a couple years, I have a rough draft. I'd like to share it because I'm happy that something finally came out. It needs quite a bit of tweaking especially in my inconsistency with rhyming schemes. I'm quite aware of how rough it is. I will work on it and get around to writing more. Anyway, I'm going to go read "Mirror" by Sabine Melchoir-Bonnet.
Anyone who actually reads this might want to find it on Youtube or someplace else and listen to the song twice. (Let's hope I'll remember to come back and link you to it once I find an adequate source). Once before and once while reading. Just a suggestion.
I'll hold your hand though it's wet and warm.
Since you fear this foe, I will be close.
Fear not today.
I'm here to stay.
You are my beloved.

While you await your fate to outplay,
I'll teach you how to shape destiny.
No one can say that you're destined to fail.
I promise this, Beloved.

You will face storms of rain, words, and wind.
You might lose despite your might,
but you'll never lose unless you choose
to believe that I'm only the storm that you fight.

You're not alone in facing the world.
We all feel somewhat wrong in being here.
Just in case you forget that this is the case,
I'm here for you, my dear.
You're loved more than anyone can assess.
You are my beloved.

It takes more than rain to erase the stain
left by those who are truly touched by you.
If someone can claim that they have your mark,
let them come to your side.
Like someone who has though you denied them.
Do you know that I'm that someone?

I see you in tears, but you can't see me.
I can't look away though it hurts to stay.
I wish you'd hold out your sweaty hands.
I'd like to remind you that you're only weak as long as you claim it's your destiny.
It's not.
You have control
and a hand meant to hold.
I'll help find the way to your own strength or whatever you dictate.

Anything for you, Beloved.
I'm always here for you, Beloved.
It takes more than weather or words.
Love fights through every hurt.
I'm always here, Beloved.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Thoughts on Communication

Everyone else may share my struggles with communication, but I don't communicate with people often enough to cease posting about it. I should rephrase that latter bit. I don't communicate with people well enough to cease posting about it.
Sidenote: Apples and oranges. "Former" would refer to the apples while "latter" would refer to the oranges. Just mentioning this because I've noticed former/latter confusion lately.
As of now I think my communication struggles stem from my early teens. Big surprise. I used to be so sensitive that I'd get teary from being told by a teacher to correct an assignment or I'd laugh for far too long and when I felt nervous. I hated my emotions being so obvious and swift to be expressed. I also hated how what I said affected others. I felt painfully awkward, so I held all emotions, thoughts, and opinions back. It took a while to quiet them and I never was completely happy with my expression. I felt ignored sometimes and too loud at others. The imbalance disturbed me.
Now, I prefer to observe, but I recognize the importance of sharing. I think relationships are based on the stream of consciousness moving conversations into connection-forming territories. I wish I were better at this. I'm trying. My setbacks involve diction and consequences. They manifest in how I think about conversations all the time. I agonize over simple things like asking my aunt to get yogurt for a mask (thoughts: What if it doesn't work? What if she's heard that yogurt is terrible for acne? How should I ask? Should I wait until I know she's going to the store? Do I need to walk to the living room or should I text her my request?). I've done this since I was little. I used to lay in bed wondering when I should risk waking my dad up to get a glass of water or what I'd say if I did wake him up. Silly, huh?
I'm working on letting conversations happen. If my thoughts or emotions are inappropriate, I can do my best to cut my losses and learn from my mistakes. Coming up with responses for scripted scenes in my head doesn't help real conversations flow properly. Those closest to me deserve to know how much I love them and how much I want to be honest with them with my words and reactions to what they're sharing with me.  I'm not sure that honesty is a thought. It seems like a pure, spontaneous action to me.
I think trust is in there somewhere. I'm not sure how to weave it in, so I'll say that I think trust is a necessary risk.
Well, I don't know how far I've come since I posted about social anxiety, but I feel like I'm on the right track. Learning about people seems to be a lifelong universal struggle. I wish I had a more complete ending to this post. Oh, well.
Until the next post, and as always, take care.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I might be back.

I haven't blogged here in a while. I've been on Tumblr, but I think Blogger suits the part of me that still wants to write lengthy blog posts. I still prefer Tumblr in general, but it's not quite right for long text posts necessarily.
I don't care if anyone who once read this blog reads it again. I don't care if anyone does read it.
At any rate, one might ask where I've been. Well, I haven't moved. I'm at the same college (different campus) and I'm living in the same home. I still can't drive (summer project). I plan to transfer next year, so I'm chipping away at the necessary classes. Boyfriends have come and gone, but the only one who matters is the current and best one. He's pretty cool. I'll give him the codename Suite Life because that is what my uncle calls him. He probably wouldn't care if I used his real name, but I'm going to refer to him as Suite Life anyway.
I have even more angsty stories I could share than before and my recent obsession with has resulted in an increase in memories. Unfortunately I'm more of a lazy photographer. I still knit and crochet, but I don't sew very often. I currently have a knitting needle tucked behind my ear because I'm knitting a panda. I'd like to think that I'm less socially anxious and happier than a year ago. I'm certainly more liked, social, and motivated. I have goals and I'm not letting people stop me from working toward them.
That's all I feel like writing for now. Yes, I do believe I'm back.
Until the next post, and as always, take care.