Sunday, August 28, 2011

Does knowing why make it right?

I don't know how well I understand people or even myself. I think that I know people in a way that I cannot tell them. I feel like if I just look at how they enjoy life I'll see them. Sometimes I think it's true. I only really bother looking when they're interesting people. Not the friendly type. Not the nice type. A person who needs someone different in their life.
I often wonder if it's my place to point where they'll find who they should be. I know that I'm not, but I try. I know I'm not the best person, but I try to be my best. Why not pass on that desire to someone else? Oh, right. Because it's still not my place nudge them in a direction that I think they should go.
Back to where I was going, I wonder if knowing why a person is who they are is a sufficient reason to stand by their side. I feel like I know, but I don't want to explain them away. I just want to accept them and be there. To be blunt, I want to change them.
Whether or not my thoughts are right does not matter. I have yet to change anyone intentionally because I cannot tell if they always want to, so I just let them go. I want to stand by every person's side and help them, but I cannot tell if they need help. I think I just see what is rather than what ought to be. And then I sit and wait to see which direction life is going to go. I never know. Sometimes I think I know, but I do not. I cannot.
It may or may not be clear that I have a specific person in mind. This person means a lot to me and I feel like no matter what they or anyone else says, I need to be there for them. They have no idea why. I have taken a couple insults and a couple compliments. I cannot be sure what to do with those. The insults hit my heart and the compliments were nice. I want them to see that they hurt and are a delight to others in ways that they are not aware of. They need to see in order to become better, but I have no idea what to do. I've been thinking about this for a while. I had a draft here from a few weeks ago and it has been bothering me all week.
Sometimes I feel too aware and too afraid to act upon that awareness. It's one of the reasons that I think meditation is a good idea for me. I should probably actually do it rather than thinking that it's right for me. Maybe. Or prayer. That might have the right effect. Time and action will tell.
Anyway, until the next post, and as always, take care.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I've been ranty and complainy lately. Eugh.

A few months until I'm no longer a teenager. Right now is one of those times when I feel like it will be quite a while before I purge my mind of those teenage tendencies. I can complain and monologue to loved ones for longer than any attention span.
Not good. Bad. Very rude.
If I'm honest with myself, I know why I've wanted to scream everything to everyone all week: I'm excited and scared and angry and tired. Excited because I like college and I like that I'm making steps toward my future. Scared because college classes are a bit scary and there are steps that I still need to take in order to be successful in every facet of life. Angry because I can't be perfect. I can't control things that I want to. I can't speak when I need to and I won't stop talking when it's only hurting what people think of me (or rather my perception of their perceptions or something. . .). I'm tired because I think of all the silly little things at night and I want to sleep, but I have to do things.
It's only the first week of classes. I have to sort my life out if I am to pull off A's again.
So that's my life this week: I'm being all "woe is me". I'm trying to grow up. Many apologies. I'll attempt to sleep now. Good night and take care.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Thoughts from my summer written on note cards

"my problem w/ pursuing happiness is not that it is positive. rather, that it is not dynamic. satisfaction and contentedness take life's change. pursuing happiness is working toward an ideal. it cannot be maintained. it needs sadness and other negative emotions. being content only requires accepting the good and bad. seems more realistic to me."
~No date, but I know I wrote it during philosophy class this summer.
"Throughout our lives we search for what we cannot have. Those who are born empty seek to be emptied. Then, there are those of us who are born with various fractions. It is up to us to find out whether we are to be emptied or filled."
~Sometime this summer. Maybe on a bench? I think I wrote it while sitting at a bench. Then again, I spent a lot of time sitting at benches under trees this summer.
These posts were typed while listening to Bond.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Thoughts on recording my life

If I were to keep a diary, I would write poetry, copy quotations, and record my mistakes. I doubt that I'd be proud of it if someone found it.
I feel like if I were to carry a diary around, it would be useful. I could keep a fairly accurate record of my life as long as I do it at that time and not at the end of the day when I'm more likely to skip the embarrassing details. Emotions are more fleeting than I can recall, I do believe.
If I were to keep a diary, I might develop a better writing voice because I would be writing more often and maybe organizing those pages into posts.
Come to think of it, I am not so sure that I need a diary. I feel like I leave traces everywhere for my future self to find. I can already see bits of myself a few years ago from old accounts and assignments. I also write on note cards all the time and write on loose pages so that I can hide them among assignments while I'm at college.
Back to my traces, I currently use 3 e-mail addresses. On some regular basis I use my accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google+, Skype, Yahoo Messenger, Gaiaonline, Maplestory, Mabinogi, deviantART, Blogger, Youtube, Hulu, Ravelry, Netflix, Textfugu, and online shopping sites like ebay and Amazon. I also use my iTouch to use apps and listen to podcasts. Oh, yeah. iTunes account. I use iGoogle for feeds. I have a Flickr if that means anything. That is not even everything.
I feel like my traces are everywhere. I am kind of okay with that. My notebooks are somewhat scary to go through. Reliving some old emotions is unpleasant. Very humbling though. In some ways, I am exactly the same as I was 8 years ago. In others, I have improved (and declined).
This is all to say that I will continue leaving myself everywhere because I am a person now. I use the Internet and I move outside of it. There is no avoiding it because I want to remember myself. Part of me doesn't, but I like using all of these services and absorbing this content and sharing it, so I have to continue to remember who I've been. Who I've been is essentially who I am. Right?
Until the next post in which I talk about myself too much, take care. :)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

This is a simple post

Today I ingested (in order)
  • 1.5 glasses of water
  • a glazed doughnut
  • a glass of apple juice
  • a handful of carrots
  • 2 glasses of water with a Doxycycline pill (for my skin)
  • a small plate of chow mein
  • 1.5 larger glasses of water
  • 2 bites of an oatmeal raisin cookie
  • half of a mysterious-looking chocolate peanut butter cookie
  • 2 glasses of water with a Doxycycline pill
  • a chocolate chip cookie
I think I need to treat my body just a little bit better.
The purpose of this post is really to just get me blogging. I keep writing posts and keeping them as drafts because they are terribly embarrassing.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Language Plans and Life Plans Dumped on the End

I've taken one post down and simply not posted a few others. I'll post this one definitely.
One of my life goals is to learn as many languages as I can. The list of languages includes (in no particular order and is not limited to) Japanese, French, Spanish, German, Latin, Greek, Hebrew, Chinese, Korean, Portuguese, and Loxian. I've taken 3 years of Spanish classes, 1 year of French with Rosetta Stone, and a bit of self-study with Japanese. For Japanese I use Textfugu now. I was putting my focus on that. Here's what's up now:
1. I'm going to continue learning Latin and Greek words with some Anki flashcards because I want to be a neurologist. I need a medical vocabulary to be instilled in me, but I don't know what I need, so I'm going to get exposure to words that I wouldn't for quite a while.
2. For all: listening to podcasts so that I get exposure. Understanding isn't important. I just need to get a better feel. I need patterns for speaking. I'm not a natural communicator. At least I don't think I'm very good at it, so I need to listen. I need to start working on my voice in each language as I'm attempting to learn it.
3. I'm going to return to Japanese while dabbling in French and German. Sounds crazy, but I need to connect things. Maybe I'll learn something in French that helps me with Japanese or I'll find out that I need to learn something in Japanese that I wouldn't have thought to pursue. The more I've read, the more I've come to realize that connecting concepts is important. Redescribing one thing in terms of something else is also helpful. Connection to connection to connection.
4. No matter how bogged down by studies I get, I will continue in some small way. I can't get lost in being "busy" or "taking a break". I have no excuse to not put just a few minutes a day. Stopping is not helpful. I will never be who I want to be without putting just a bit of time and effort into that person. I want to be smart, so I need to do smart things. I want to be a polyglot, so I need to do what a polyglot does.
I get into these moods sometimes. I just want to plan and list and hope and work for my goals. I make slow progress, but it's progress. I say it all the time, I know. I just know who I want to be and I want to be her so badly that I won't stop. I may sound silly when I make lofty plans, but I'm happy when I work at them. I love the feeling that I'm becoming someone. I know I'm already special. Blah blah blah. I want to be special to myself and do something to earn the compliments I've gotten. I know some of them have just been hopes. Sometimes I don't think some people mean to say that I am really smart or beautiful. They mean that they hope I'll use my potential and build upon myself. Maybe they don't mean anything. I don't care. It's nice to hear nice things. I'm going to continue working on my dreams no matter what.
I've become terrible at posting every week here. I do post on Tumblr nearly every day (I mean not just reblogging). If you ever wonder why I don't post, you know what I'm doing instead: building dreams that I can live in and live for and work on until I die. Okay. A lot of the time I'm just watching some show or listening to a podcast. It does all add up though. Anyway, I'm becoming who I want to be.
One last thing: I feel silly and conceited for saying this, but I feel like I am who I want to be just by trying. I feel important because I want to be. I feel special because I imagine myself being special someday.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)