Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Some instrumental songs incite more than feelings in me; I hear words and thoughts and stories. "Beloved" by David Lanz spoke clearly to me. I don't think he is playing the instrumental version of a song with words, so I thought to attempt to write my own lyrics. I failed to capture with words what I felt so strongly. I knew I wanted to express the story of a father telling his daughter that he's always there for her, but I entertained the thought of a couple and got lost in all of the possibilities. After giving it up for a couple years, I have a rough draft. I'd like to share it because I'm happy that something finally came out. It needs quite a bit of tweaking especially in my inconsistency with rhyming schemes. I'm quite aware of how rough it is. I will work on it and get around to writing more. Anyway, I'm going to go read "Mirror" by Sabine Melchoir-Bonnet.
Anyone who actually reads this might want to find it on Youtube or someplace else and listen to the song twice. (Let's hope I'll remember to come back and link you to it once I find an adequate source). Once before and once while reading. Just a suggestion.
I'll hold your hand though it's wet and warm.
Since you fear this foe, I will be close.
Fear not today.
I'm here to stay.
You are my beloved.

While you await your fate to outplay,
I'll teach you how to shape destiny.
No one can say that you're destined to fail.
I promise this, Beloved.

You will face storms of rain, words, and wind.
You might lose despite your might,
but you'll never lose unless you choose
to believe that I'm only the storm that you fight.

You're not alone in facing the world.
We all feel somewhat wrong in being here.
Just in case you forget that this is the case,
I'm here for you, my dear.
You're loved more than anyone can assess.
You are my beloved.

It takes more than rain to erase the stain
left by those who are truly touched by you.
If someone can claim that they have your mark,
let them come to your side.
Like someone who has though you denied them.
Do you know that I'm that someone?

I see you in tears, but you can't see me.
I can't look away though it hurts to stay.
I wish you'd hold out your sweaty hands.
I'd like to remind you that you're only weak as long as you claim it's your destiny.
It's not.
You have control
and a hand meant to hold.
I'll help find the way to your own strength or whatever you dictate.

Anything for you, Beloved.
I'm always here for you, Beloved.
It takes more than weather or words.
Love fights through every hurt.
I'm always here, Beloved.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Thoughts on Communication

Everyone else may share my struggles with communication, but I don't communicate with people often enough to cease posting about it. I should rephrase that latter bit. I don't communicate with people well enough to cease posting about it.
Sidenote: Apples and oranges. "Former" would refer to the apples while "latter" would refer to the oranges. Just mentioning this because I've noticed former/latter confusion lately.
As of now I think my communication struggles stem from my early teens. Big surprise. I used to be so sensitive that I'd get teary from being told by a teacher to correct an assignment or I'd laugh for far too long and when I felt nervous. I hated my emotions being so obvious and swift to be expressed. I also hated how what I said affected others. I felt painfully awkward, so I held all emotions, thoughts, and opinions back. It took a while to quiet them and I never was completely happy with my expression. I felt ignored sometimes and too loud at others. The imbalance disturbed me.
Now, I prefer to observe, but I recognize the importance of sharing. I think relationships are based on the stream of consciousness moving conversations into connection-forming territories. I wish I were better at this. I'm trying. My setbacks involve diction and consequences. They manifest in how I think about conversations all the time. I agonize over simple things like asking my aunt to get yogurt for a mask (thoughts: What if it doesn't work? What if she's heard that yogurt is terrible for acne? How should I ask? Should I wait until I know she's going to the store? Do I need to walk to the living room or should I text her my request?). I've done this since I was little. I used to lay in bed wondering when I should risk waking my dad up to get a glass of water or what I'd say if I did wake him up. Silly, huh?
I'm working on letting conversations happen. If my thoughts or emotions are inappropriate, I can do my best to cut my losses and learn from my mistakes. Coming up with responses for scripted scenes in my head doesn't help real conversations flow properly. Those closest to me deserve to know how much I love them and how much I want to be honest with them with my words and reactions to what they're sharing with me.  I'm not sure that honesty is a thought. It seems like a pure, spontaneous action to me.
I think trust is in there somewhere. I'm not sure how to weave it in, so I'll say that I think trust is a necessary risk.
Well, I don't know how far I've come since I posted about social anxiety, but I feel like I'm on the right track. Learning about people seems to be a lifelong universal struggle. I wish I had a more complete ending to this post. Oh, well.
Until the next post, and as always, take care.