Friday, September 30, 2011

A Future Date

I'm at the stage where I'm thinking of what kind of guy I'd like to date next. I don't want to think about my future boyfriend because I have stuff to do. Maybe. Depends on how genuinely awesome the next guy is. Anyway, I am thinking of the next date I want to go on instead. It just seems healthier and it doesn't lead to thoughts about the future. Just a single date. A few hours. That's it.
I would like to date a nerdy guy who wears glasses and/or looks like Charlie (charlieissocoollike). What he looks like isn't necessarily important. Mostly the nerdiness or at least a geeky love of something. He should be tall though. Definitely into nerd culture as much or more than I am. It'd be cool if he were like Steve (fizzylimon), but I'm not sure I'd have too much to say about music, so I'm leaning toward a fellow neuroscientist wannabe or a tech guy.
I would pull out one of my cute dresses and I'd wear my contacts because guys seem to like that. No makeup. Okay, maybe a little. It's just one date, after all.
We'd go to The Civil Wars concert in San Francisco which is on a Thursday in November, or something closer to home like a play. Something I wouldn't do with my cousins. We'd chat up a storm on the way (San Fran is about 2 hours from my house). The conversation would have its pauses, possibly made comfortable with music that we both love. Orchestral? That'd be different. Not that many people share my love for instrumental and orchestral music.
We'd have dinner and enjoy the awesome concert/play/whatever, and then drive home slowly despite it being somewhat late at night. Maybe we'd stop and look at the stars for a while unless it's raining. Maybe we'd hold hands. Those things should be spontaneous.
I'd go to calculus the next day smiling. Maybe I'd see him around. I don't know. I'd hope we'd still be friends even though neither of us can handle a relationship right now. Maybe we'd make mental notes to consider going steady later.
In sum, I just want to go on a date and not end up dating the guy immediately. I want the date to be a pause in my life. A memory separate from its time, a bit like reading a really good book.
I doubt I'll be asked out or crushed on at all for a while. It's just a gut feeling. I'd probably be a nervous wreck about it anyway. I'm always worried about assignments and exams.
Well, I'm going to listen to "To Whom It May Concern" by The Civil Wars. I'll play some sudoku, too. And listen to a few podcasts.
Take care!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Good Mornings

This summer I took up jogging. I have kept up with it in spite of having to get up at 5:55 AM some mornings. It is worth it to me for several reasons. Notably, I'm less stressed, I feel better about myself, and it's lowering my risk of getting all of the health problems my relatives have. My favorite thing about my new hobby--if you want to call it that--is the peace of the early morning.
Every morning is cool and peaceful. A few cars speed by on the main country road above the street I jog up and down, but they are minor disturbances. Overall, the early morning is one of the most wonderful consistent experiences for me because of the sky.
Up there it is just dark enough for plenty of stars to be visible, though the sun is getting closer and closer to the top of the hill. Any clouds are a golden red (pink?) as more and more sunlight peeks out, and the whole sky dims with the fresh light.
As I jog to a podcast or some music, the whole world becomes differently softer. Rather than being darkish, starry, and lacking in non-tree sounds, the world becomes brightened, fresh, and full of the sounds of beginnings of days.
I'd be lying if I said I love every minute of it because I'm not completely fond of jogging. However, I am finding myself appreciating more of life in general. The early morning is more special to me than it ever has. There were some close camping moments, but it wasn't anything like jogging with the morning stars. Ah, what peace.
Good night and stay well. :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

A post that was almost about how much I love Imogen Heap. Obviously changed my mind.

I broke up with my boyfriend last Saturday night. All I can say is I'm better. I'm better having been through that relationship. He didn't make me feel better. Rather, he made me feel worse. I'm better because I have a better feel for my options and where certain paths might take me. I feel better because I know where I don't want to be.
I felt mean at first because I broke up with him the day before his birthday when I knew he was having a terrible weekend. I don't feel mean anymore. I was a little sad because he made me feel like crap while he was saying that he doesn't blame me for anything. I was a bit sad because he doesn't get it. I wish him happiness, but I don't think he got as much out of that relationship as I did.
I have worth. I'm not rich. I'm not a genius. I'm not the most anything. I can be neurotic. Sometimes I'm smart. I have the best family, friends, and acquaintances. Their combined influences on me mean more than my words can express. My worth is that I am a combination of my influences. More than my family and friends, I have books, and a deep attachment to music, and I experience things in a certain way. I want to learn more. I want to share more. I want to care and understand and be part of an ever better future.
My existence is not completely mine. It is made of others and formed with others. As long as I guide that existence where it will be the most useful, I think it will be good.
As ever, I have learning to do. I'm going to get to doing that while listening to music or whatever.
Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)