Saturday, June 11, 2011

Thoughts on Communication

Everyone else may share my struggles with communication, but I don't communicate with people often enough to cease posting about it. I should rephrase that latter bit. I don't communicate with people well enough to cease posting about it.
Sidenote: Apples and oranges. "Former" would refer to the apples while "latter" would refer to the oranges. Just mentioning this because I've noticed former/latter confusion lately.
As of now I think my communication struggles stem from my early teens. Big surprise. I used to be so sensitive that I'd get teary from being told by a teacher to correct an assignment or I'd laugh for far too long and when I felt nervous. I hated my emotions being so obvious and swift to be expressed. I also hated how what I said affected others. I felt painfully awkward, so I held all emotions, thoughts, and opinions back. It took a while to quiet them and I never was completely happy with my expression. I felt ignored sometimes and too loud at others. The imbalance disturbed me.
Now, I prefer to observe, but I recognize the importance of sharing. I think relationships are based on the stream of consciousness moving conversations into connection-forming territories. I wish I were better at this. I'm trying. My setbacks involve diction and consequences. They manifest in how I think about conversations all the time. I agonize over simple things like asking my aunt to get yogurt for a mask (thoughts: What if it doesn't work? What if she's heard that yogurt is terrible for acne? How should I ask? Should I wait until I know she's going to the store? Do I need to walk to the living room or should I text her my request?). I've done this since I was little. I used to lay in bed wondering when I should risk waking my dad up to get a glass of water or what I'd say if I did wake him up. Silly, huh?
I'm working on letting conversations happen. If my thoughts or emotions are inappropriate, I can do my best to cut my losses and learn from my mistakes. Coming up with responses for scripted scenes in my head doesn't help real conversations flow properly. Those closest to me deserve to know how much I love them and how much I want to be honest with them with my words and reactions to what they're sharing with me.  I'm not sure that honesty is a thought. It seems like a pure, spontaneous action to me.
I think trust is in there somewhere. I'm not sure how to weave it in, so I'll say that I think trust is a necessary risk.
Well, I don't know how far I've come since I posted about social anxiety, but I feel like I'm on the right track. Learning about people seems to be a lifelong universal struggle. I wish I had a more complete ending to this post. Oh, well.
Until the next post, and as always, take care.

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