Friday, September 4, 2009

TGIF I've been in need of a rant

This week's Delightful Deviant is tokyoxterror. I think "delightful" is the wrong word in her case because I wouldn't put frosting on her photography and eat it. (Jeepers Creepers combined with frosting would probably be poisonous.) It's just plain cool.

Hilarious by ~tokyoxterror on deviantART

Dull Day by ~tokyoxterror on deviantART

I think "deserving" would be a better word now that I've consulted :P

Ugh. It's the end of the 2nd week of a new semester. I've been falling asleep in the car on the way to class every day and I just fell asleep during family worship time. Stress has been accumulating in the forms of drowsiness, a stye, nightmares, daymares, and an overall feeling of blech. When school stress combines with a few social stresses, and those stresses bombard my focus, I get the runaways.

I run to sleep. I flee inside my head with only a podcast or music or just anything else to experience and melt into. I collapse into a movie. I do anything I can to not experience the world around me. I know that the social stresses have always existed and the school stuff is going to work out, so I have to run away and let it all go. I hate being there because I don't have any control. I can't tell my friends to stop worrying about my loner status; they want to fix me. I can't and won't fall for the trend to always be in search of a boyfriend or just a crush; I'm quite happy without one. I signed up for school to be challenging and I can't control the factors that turn it all into a huge mess. I just have to let it go and move forward. As the theme of The Series of Unfortunate Events goes, "there's always something."

My somethings are the following:

1. I have people. I'm super grateful. I may prefer to be alone much of the time, but it doesn't mean that I don't have family and friends. The people who say, "Alyssa, you need more friends," are wrong at least partially. I believe in quality, not quantity. I try to back my people up and am grateful for all the times that they're there for me.

I may not be a social butterfly, but I do get around.

2. I'm 17-years-old, I'm in college, and I have a lot of hobbies. Someone expects me to be on the search for someone to suck away half of my time? Heck. No. It's not my time to find love or pretend to search for it. Sure, if and when that special someone comes along, I'll probably be happy. I'm not going to force something that I may not be ready for. I've had to deal with enough creepy admirers and relationships I realize I just fell into rather than relationships with people I've fallen in love with. I'm quite happy being single and building up my friendships. Not to mention working on building up confidence in my self. I know where I stand. Pointing out my fears and past does not solve anything; it just ticks me off (as my rant is probably making evident).

I may not have a significant other, but I don't care. I want to live a significant life.

3. I love learning. I took on a full load because I like classes (minus U.S. history, for now). I like discussions, figuring out how things work, expanding my mind, seeing from another perspective, reading, pursuing my interests, and watching someone teach something they're passionate about. I don't love drama or when I can't get the things I need to actually learn. I'm lucky to not be dealing with drama, but the other thing is getting in my way. I'm learning, so it's okay. I'm being forced to expand my resources and find new ones. Sure, I want to kick myself for not calling the school months ago to check on my financial aid status, but it's not going to help. I just have to be patient and work around it. I feel pathetic when I'm not learning. I could at home, but I only get credit if I attend classes. Even if those classes sometimes stress me out or seem redundant, I'm going to take them because I'll feel good in the end.

I may suck under pressure, but it's not going to suck me in for too long. I have determination. (I'd say "I have resolve", but that's Ichigo's line. :P)

4. I'm a selective speaker. I seem mute so some; obnoxiously garrulous to others. I just can't talk to some people, so whatever I have to say goes elsewhere. I just don't enjoy talking and socializing like some people do. I keep up a few conversations and chat with a stranger every now and then, but I try to think more than speak. Sure, I'm not that great at it, but it's all about practice. What would I say if I talked more? Well, if I knew that, I'd speak.

I may not always speak my mind, but my mind has a definite voice.
I don't have nothing and I'm not insane. I'm at a point at 17 that most people aren't at until they're 19. My 17-year-old knowledge does not have the cozy advantages of 18+-year-old hindsight. I'm in the process of learning, of living. I'm not empty, yet I'm not full. I'm just working out the balance and I probably won't figure it out for a while. I'm young and I'm different, and I'm getting stronger. The more comments I receive, the more sugar I have to ingest (I'm going to stick with Mary Poppins on this one. Salt doesn't sound pleasant.).

I realize that I need to make my thoughts known at the time they're being demanded. That's part of conversation. It's one part I suck at because my mind goes blank and I can't think. So I've tried to think some things out here in a kind of declarative form. I think I've said enough for now. I have plenty of rants in me, but I can only tackle so many at a time while still making sense.

I feel better now. I hope you're all feeling well. Until the next post, and as always, take care. :)

p.s. I don't want to repeat any of this for a while. I just don't have the heart to rant like this often. Next person to bring any of these topics up is probably going to get a blank stare from me unless I am absolutely forced to face the topic. If that happens, they're going to have to carry my exhausted body home. I probably won't have the energy (or heart) to demand anything else as much as I'd want (and am currently craving) a cup of green tea and ingredients to bake cookies.

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