Or maybe I just need to cut down on the kpop. . . Nah.

*yawns* Hi, blog. Everything changes all the time, so I could pour out all the weird things that have happened each day, but those things aren't as important as the little thoughts in the back of my head. I'm hoping that a good night's rest will put them all in their place, but I have a feeling that I'll have to do that myself another day. Not Thanksgiving.
To get the relationship part out of the way, I'm tired of worrying about peoples' feelings about me. I need to be single right now, mainly so that I can focus on school. Smartypants me currently has a C in calculus and a B in chemistry. Um. No. That's not going to work for me. I have to get those grades up.
Now, the little things that keep distracting me can be summed up in obligations. I just need to be free from my anxieties over how things should be or how I need to be around someone. I am seriously going crazy. I'll be okay soon, I think. I have awesome friends. Still, my need to plan things and make sure I'm moving forward are causing a lot of little worries like are my f's too much like thetas? Or am I making the right friends? (This thought is silly because I'll know once the semester is over, not now. Good friends stay in my life over break, acquaintances part ways with a smile and a "good luck!")
There are more, but I need to sleep. Now.
Good night and condolences if I return tomorrow.
Take care.

Got through a date with just a kiss on the cheek. Success.

I don't remember what I was going to complain about last night. Probably the lack of Internet until that moment or regret about something. I do remember that my dream was that I forgot to put my laundry in on Sunday, so I was suffering through a terrible Monday. My eye twitched like crazy today, reminding me that I needed to stop being stressed about something. I think that something is laundry.
Okay, my twitchy nerves are likely due to having had a nice date yesterday. I normally end up in a relationship on a date or I was already in one. This time, I'm out to figure out who might be worth trying to catch later when I've gotten over my horrible dating pattern.
"What dating pattern?" you don't ask. Well, I get into a relationship after knowing the guy for a month, wonder if I'll fall in love with him, freak out when he kisses me and tells me he loves me on the first date which is usually toward the end of a semester, gets an "I love you too" out of me shortly, and I end it all by breaking up with them at the beginning of the next semester.
Yeah, that pattern has got to go. I got into it when I was a freshman. I so badly wish I had done what I did with my first real boyfriend. Sometimes I miss that guy and go into the guilt region of my brain for far too long. I snap out of it when I realize I can't go back and fix my mistake or work up the guts after all this time to say, "I'm sorry." Sometimes I'm such a cowardly idiot.
Anyway, I went on a date on Friday. Not sure if I'll go on a second date. He invited me to a party on the 5th of November. I have a feeling I have to do something else on that day. It's bothering me that I can't quite place it. I wish I knew so that I could use it as an excuse if I decide not to go. I'm not a party person, so I doubt I will.
He's a nice guy, but I don't think I can be more than friends with him because we want different things in life. I'm trying to keep that in mind to ward off the pattern. I wouldn't have in the first place if I weren't such a pushover. Solution: be less of a pushover and don't settle. I have no reason to settle. I'm young and looking forward to several more years of education. Yeah, I want some kids with that. *holds a sarcasm sign*
Other than that ghastly pattern I got into, I have a few other things to work on before I consider getting into a relationship. That's for another blog post.
Until then, take care.

A Future Date

I'm at the stage where I'm thinking of what kind of guy I'd like to date next. I don't want to think about my future boyfriend because I have stuff to do. Maybe. Depends on how genuinely awesome the next guy is. Anyway, I am thinking of the next date I want to go on instead. It just seems healthier and it doesn't lead to thoughts about the future. Just a single date. A few hours. That's it.
I would like to date a nerdy guy who wears glasses and/or looks like Charlie (charlieissocoollike). What he looks like isn't necessarily important. Mostly the nerdiness or at least a geeky love of something. He should be tall though. Definitely into nerd culture as much or more than I am. It'd be cool if he were like Steve (fizzylimon), but I'm not sure I'd have too much to say about music, so I'm leaning toward a fellow neuroscientist wannabe or a tech guy.
I would pull out one of my cute dresses and I'd wear my contacts because guys seem to like that. No makeup. Okay, maybe a little. It's just one date, after all.
We'd go to The Civil Wars concert in San Francisco which is on a Thursday in November, or something closer to home like a play. Something I wouldn't do with my cousins. We'd chat up a storm on the way (San Fran is about 2 hours from my house). The conversation would have its pauses, possibly made comfortable with music that we both love. Orchestral? That'd be different. Not that many people share my love for instrumental and orchestral music.
We'd have dinner and enjoy the awesome concert/play/whatever, and then drive home slowly despite it being somewhat late at night. Maybe we'd stop and look at the stars for a while unless it's raining. Maybe we'd hold hands. Those things should be spontaneous.
I'd go to calculus the next day smiling. Maybe I'd see him around. I don't know. I'd hope we'd still be friends even though neither of us can handle a relationship right now. Maybe we'd make mental notes to consider going steady later.
In sum, I just want to go on a date and not end up dating the guy immediately. I want the date to be a pause in my life. A memory separate from its time, a bit like reading a really good book.
I doubt I'll be asked out or crushed on at all for a while. It's just a gut feeling. I'd probably be a nervous wreck about it anyway. I'm always worried about assignments and exams.
Well, I'm going to listen to "To Whom It May Concern" by The Civil Wars. I'll play some sudoku, too. And listen to a few podcasts.
Take care!

Good Mornings

This summer I took up jogging. I have kept up with it in spite of having to get up at 5:55 AM some mornings. It is worth it to me for several reasons. Notably, I'm less stressed, I feel better about myself, and it's lowering my risk of getting all of the health problems my relatives have. My favorite thing about my new hobby--if you want to call it that--is the peace of the early morning.
Every morning is cool and peaceful. A few cars speed by on the main country road above the street I jog up and down, but they are minor disturbances. Overall, the early morning is one of the most wonderful consistent experiences for me because of the sky.
Up there it is just dark enough for plenty of stars to be visible, though the sun is getting closer and closer to the top of the hill. Any clouds are a golden red (pink?) as more and more sunlight peeks out, and the whole sky dims with the fresh light.
As I jog to a podcast or some music, the whole world becomes differently softer. Rather than being darkish, starry, and lacking in non-tree sounds, the world becomes brightened, fresh, and full of the sounds of beginnings of days.
I'd be lying if I said I love every minute of it because I'm not completely fond of jogging. However, I am finding myself appreciating more of life in general. The early morning is more special to me than it ever has. There were some close camping moments, but it wasn't anything like jogging with the morning stars. Ah, what peace.
Good night and stay well. :)