The inexplicable sadness

It creeps into my eyes when I'm tired and directs me toward every sad thing in sight.
It lulls my ears to reject nice songs, and replaces the happiness with sadness.
It doesn't let me sleep.
It interrupts my homework.
It doesn't make me eat chocolate, but it can prevent me from drinking water. "One more line/minute" is a dangerous path.
It makes me feel unloved.
It makes me dislike my family.
It makes me think I want a boyfriend, taunts me with the past, and brings up every awful memory.
It makes love look beautiful and life dreary.
It brings up feelings of envy and jealousy.
Again, it makes me want someone to cuddle with. In the middle of the night, this is really really really really annoying until I find my teddy bear.
It bothers me in every way it can.
I don't know why it pops up at night, in the shower, in the middle of conversations, when I'm looking at bunnies, when I'm not looking at bunnies. . .
I don't know why I find it. I just know that I encourage it because I want it to get tired and go away.
I don't like it.
Right now, I'm tired, wanting to study intensely, and it won't go away.
I am compelled to write some sort of poem, song, or letter to mankind to say, "I don't need to love you right now." I don't like irrational emotions when I'm trying to master organic chemistry.

I don't do holiday cheer

I miss my dad. My mom too, of course, but mostly my dad. I'm just so different from the rest of my family in some respects. As a kid, I traveled for Christmas most years or for a few, I just prayed that my dad would get better/stay well. I miss advent calendars and everyone in the house knowing what Percy the Puny Poinsettia is. I miss gingerbread house parties and candy canes. I don't miss presents. I'm older and I don't care about that. I'm actually happy that my family got a ps3 for Christmas because we can play it together. I like family time. As much as I love them, I miss my dad asking me what I want for Christmas. I miss how he guessed EXACTLY what I wanted when I never said a word. I miss the things he introduced me to like King Island Christmas and penguin-themed plate. I miss watching him photograph it all. I love my family, but I miss my old one too.
Some nights I pray that the Bible is true just so that I can see my mom and dad again. If I don't make it to heaven, it's okay as long as I get to talk to them again.
Merry Christmas. I hope you're in a better mood than I am.

A list of songs

I was working on my final cladogram and studying for finals, but I decided to take a break to make a list of songs I've listened to recently and feel like sharing.
"In Colour" by Heyhihello
"Anumati" by E.S. Posthumus
"Tracks in the Snow" by The Civil Wars
"Can't Hold On" by Melee
"You & I" by IU
"Forever Yours" by Alex Day
"White is in the Winter Night" by Enya
Well, that was fun. Until the next post, take care.

Or maybe I just need to cut down on the kpop. . . Nah.

*yawns* Hi, blog. Everything changes all the time, so I could pour out all the weird things that have happened each day, but those things aren't as important as the little thoughts in the back of my head. I'm hoping that a good night's rest will put them all in their place, but I have a feeling that I'll have to do that myself another day. Not Thanksgiving.
To get the relationship part out of the way, I'm tired of worrying about peoples' feelings about me. I need to be single right now, mainly so that I can focus on school. Smartypants me currently has a C in calculus and a B in chemistry. Um. No. That's not going to work for me. I have to get those grades up.
Now, the little things that keep distracting me can be summed up in obligations. I just need to be free from my anxieties over how things should be or how I need to be around someone. I am seriously going crazy. I'll be okay soon, I think. I have awesome friends. Still, my need to plan things and make sure I'm moving forward are causing a lot of little worries like are my f's too much like thetas? Or am I making the right friends? (This thought is silly because I'll know once the semester is over, not now. Good friends stay in my life over break, acquaintances part ways with a smile and a "good luck!")
There are more, but I need to sleep. Now.
Good night and condolences if I return tomorrow.
Take care.